he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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