Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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