so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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