what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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