he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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