I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
