im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
