What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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