I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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