the condom got lost in my hair
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This house was built for laser tag.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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