he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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