I am midnight drunk by noon
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
