I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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