He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
