What a fucking waste of an outfit
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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