Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We're too hungover to prance.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
