You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
