This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
