Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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