Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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