sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
