Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
