So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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