we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
