call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
