My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the condom got lost in my hair
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
