i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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