There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize