the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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