Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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