Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
