I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
