hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize