WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
