New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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