please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
