At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
How does it feel to date your dad?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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