I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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