I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
