i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
