I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
