I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
