This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
