Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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