Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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