Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
