Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
