My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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