He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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