I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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