Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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