i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have demons in me.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
