the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
