i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
