I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
