Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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