Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
