no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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