Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My feet surprised me
Randomize
